This page will JUST contain JOKES.

Are you surprised?

Jokes will be added weekly on this page with 'no rhyme or reason' - meaning that they will not be grouped or categorized. I am adding them to the page in a way that you can easily access to print, copy, etc. if you wish (JUST click / highlight / print the JOKE). They will be dated, titled and they will be numbered for easy reference.

Jan. 1, 2011 JJ # 1

LIE DETECTOR!

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

 

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.  

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.  

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.  Tommy was over 2 hours late.

 

'Where have you been and why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

 

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.  

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

 

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

 

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

 

'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.  The robot went around to Tommy

and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

 

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.  We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

 

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.  'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' 

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!  You can't be too mad with Tommy. 

After all, he is your son!'

 

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Jan.5, 2011JJ # 2

I need new friends

The following is an e-mail that I received recently from one of my (few) friends. As a result of the e-mail I am considering having FEWER friends!!!

BARRY:ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.  

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST E-MAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

CN

Jan.12, 2011JJ # 3

The Colonoscopy

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat  spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Dave Barry (the article's author)

is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Jan.19, 2011JJ # 4

Colonoscopy - The follow up.

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:

1.  'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2.  'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3.  'Can you hear me NOW?'

4.  'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5.  'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6.  'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7.  'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8.  'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9.  'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10.  'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 

11.  'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12.  'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13.  'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'

And the best one of all…

14.  'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?

Jan.26, 2011JJ # 5

Costume needed

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his

leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,We have TRIED our very BEST!

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Feb.2, 2011JJ # 6

Dog For Sale

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit!'

Feb.9, 2011JJ # 7

The question men fear

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --HUSBAND: "SHIT."

Feb.16, 2011JJ # 8

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, - on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Alex

Feb.23, 2011JJ # 9

The simple solution

EVER  SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A  PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's  somebody under it. I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you  charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a  bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS - GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.

Mar.2, 2011JJ # 10

Balls 

(it's not really bad - read on)

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money... She wanted to open a

savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are Square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10

o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

Mar.9, 2011JJ # 11

The Taser and Balls

(sorry, again but it's not really bad - read on)

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!  It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!

  Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

  Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries .

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 

  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .  

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt  to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

  I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

  P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

   

Mar.16, 2011JJ # 12

Parrot learns quick

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Mar.23, 2011JJ # 13

The Union wins one

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the Union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully Unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a Union house. We observe all Union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the Union man said.  He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.  "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.  Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to Union rules, she's next."

Mar. 30, 2011JJ # 14

Words of Wisdom for all.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.. ..

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.     2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.     3) You are Santa Claus.     4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

Apr. 6, 2011JJ # 15

Medical advice from an Asian doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Apr.13, 2011JJ # 16

The burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Meet the parrot

Meet Jesus

Apr.20, 2011JJ # 17

The Athiest

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Apr.27, 2011JJ # 18

The Cowboy

A cowboy  appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have  you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter  asked.

'Well, I can think of one  thing,' the cowboy offered..

'On  a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't  listen.  So,  I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in  his face, kicked  his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the  ground. 

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of  you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When  did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes  ago...'

May 4, 2011JJ # 19

Pulling one over on the Brits

This apparently is a true story

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars �1 (about $1.40) and coaches �5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.  Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new

parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at �400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over �3.6 million

($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

May 11, 2011JJ # 20

AMAZINGLY  SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS - SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK  WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE   BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.

IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE..

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE                                    TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

May 18, 2011JJ # 21

Florida burglary - nice crooks

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.  What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.  Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude.  She died three years ago.  The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.

The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.  Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.  Sorry we snorted your sister, no hard feelings, have a nice day.

May 25, 2011JJ # 22

Beware a parrot from a brothel !

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.  There was a sign on the cage that said $50.

'Why so little?' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, 'That's really not so bad.'

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later the woman's husband, Chuck, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Chuck'

June 1, 2011JJ # 23

The Mistake  

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons

and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,

not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,

pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault

that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

We missed the R !We missed the R !We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father? 'With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...CELEB R ATE !!!  

June 8, 2011JJ # 24

Those negative people!

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further... I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope

would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down

and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Who the hell did your hair?"

June 15, 2011JJ # 25

Funny police conversations

These are actual comments made by 15 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

4. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

3. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

2. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Click here to add text.

June 22, 2011JJ # 26

PSYCHOPATH TEST

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do!

If you answer this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you don't answer the question correctly, good ..

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister..Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below in box following JJ#27

June 29, 2011JJ # 27

Bad day - good day

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd

CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Answer to JJ #26 above is:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list!

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