This page will JUST contain JOKES. 
Are you surprised?
Are you surprised?Jokes will be added weekly on this page with 'no rhyme or reason' - meaning that they will not be grouped or categorized. I am adding them to the page in a way that you can easily access to print, copy, etc. if you wish (JUST click / highlight / print the JOKE). They will be dated, titled and they will be numbered for easy reference.
This page will simply be a continuation for the second half of 2011 of 'Just Jokes'
July 6, 2011JJ # 28
JJ # 28Only in Texas
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down
the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction,
she would have tried to stop him.
A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the local Bass Pro Shop.
The pick-up truck driver is a local TEXAS taxidermist with a great sense of humor!
Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway!
And it is not a dog in the 1st Place, it's a Coyote.
Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?
July 13, 2011JJ # 29
JJ # 29These are true stories - sad as that is!!
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15 [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape..
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded ! cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Remember…. They walk among us!!!
July 20, 2011JJ # 30
JJ # 30A Few Thoughts
1 – If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2 – Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
3 – Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4 – It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5 – Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6 – My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7 – Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8 – It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9 – For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program.
10 – If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11 – Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
13 – Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14 – Men are from earth. Women are from earth. DEAL with it.
15 – No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16 – A balanced diet is an English Bay cookie in each hand.
17 – Middle age is when broadness of the mind & narrowness of the waist change places.
18 – Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19 – Junk is something you’ve kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.
20 – There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21 – Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22 – By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
23 – Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24 – Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25 – If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you’ve never tried before.
July 27, 2011JJ # 31
JJ # 31Use of 'The Word'
When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows (but I did not use it - you are safe to read) :
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$% ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$% ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$% ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$% ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$% ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
and a drum roll please............!
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*ing mad."
Stephen Harper, December 2008
Aug. 3, 2011JJ # 32
JJ # 32Two Priests on Vacation
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
Aug. 10, 2011JJ # 33
JJ # 33Keep Praying!!!
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she
approached him for an interview.
Q- "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? A- "Morris Feinberg," he replied.
A- "Morris Feinberg," he replied. Q- "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" A- "For about 60 years."
A- "For about 60 years." Q- "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
A- "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for
all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
Q- "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" A- "I feel like I'm talking to a ---------- brick wall."
A- "I feel like I'm talking to a ---------- brick wall."Aug. 17, 2011JJ # 34
JJ # 34The Best Gunfighter
Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man.
Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much."
Aug. 24, 2011JJ # 35
JJ # 35A Feat of Strength
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said,
"Alright. Get in."
Aug. 31, 2011JJ # 36
JJ # 36The Power of Woman
There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
It may take you a moment to get it - be patient!!!!!
Sept. 7, 2011JJ # 37
JJ # 37Hi Jack!!!!
(hilarious - where do they come up with this stuff?)
Sept. 14, 2011JJ # 38
JJ # 38The Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Sept. 21, 2011JJ # 39
JJ # 39Requesting a three day pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something
spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass?
So we exchanged tanks!"
Sept. 28, 2011JJ # 40
JJ # 40Slow Down
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!'
"Why not" said the officer.
"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same."
"But you did not stop" replied the officer (becoming aggitated and tired of arguments), "and the sign says STOP."
"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist.
The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist.
"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.
"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.
Oct. 5. , 2011JJ # 41
JJ # 41Getting even
A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.
One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."
After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.
"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."
The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"
The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Not with a daffodil."
Oct. 12 , 2011JJ # 42
JJ # 42The Critical Barber
So the guy goes in to his barber. He's all excited, and says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope!"
The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people."
So the guy goes to Rome. When he comes back and the barber says, "How was it?"
"Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope!"
"You met the Pope?" asked the barber.
"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"And what did he say?"
"He said, 'Where did you get that crummy haircut?'"
Oct. 19 , 2011JJ # 43
JJ # 43The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Oct. 26 , 2011JJ # 44
JJ # 44Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA #1
- Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
- Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
- Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
- Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
- Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
- (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
- I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
- Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
Nov. 2 , 2011JJ # 45
JJ # 45True Political Story
Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.
Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."
Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."
Nov. 9, 2011JJ # 46
JJ # 46A little longer would be better
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested,"But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied,"That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
No, she said, "I was a hooker in Windsor and I worked both sides of the river!"
Nov. 16, 2011JJ # 47
JJ # 47You Know It's Time to Diet When...
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
Nov. 23, 2011JJ # 48
JJ # 48MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered..
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge; I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead; I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious.
Thank you. Luv Ya, Mama."
Nov. 30, 2011JJ # 49
JJ # 49Real good advice
Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....
"And, Carol?"
"Yes, mum?"
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."
Dec. 7, 2011JJ # 50
JJ # 50Little Johnny's Equine Education
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"
Dec. 14, 2011JJ # 51
JJ # 51Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Work
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
- "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
- "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
- "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
- "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
- "The coffee machine is broken."
- "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
- "... in Jesus' name. Amen."
Dec. 21, 2011JJ # 52
JJ # 52It probably happens
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Dec. 28, 2011JJ # 53
JJ # 53The Bible Salesman
A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.
He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.
"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.
"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"
"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"
