SPORTS STUFF

Jan. 1, 2011S # 1
Game 7 of  Stanley Cup

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.  He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that.  That's terrible.  But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head.

"No. They're all at the funeral."

Feb. 2, 2011S # 2
Hockey - The Leafs

YES I AM CANADIAN, BUT WHAT THE HECK!!
IF WE CAN'T LAUGH AT OURSELVES, WE'D HAVE TO LAUGH AT EACH OTHER AND THAT'S JUST NOT NICE!

1.The OPP are cracking down on speeders heading into Toronto .
For the first offense, they give you 2 Maple Leaf tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they 
make you use them.

2.Q. What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup playoffs?
A. The Toronto Maple Leafs

3.Q. What do the Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They can both make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

4.Q. How do you keep a Toronto Maple Leaf out of your yard?A. Put up a goal / net .

5.Q. What do you call a Maple Leaf with a Stanley Cup ring? A. Real Old

6.Q. How many Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley Cup ? A. Nobody remembers.

7.Q. What do the Maple Leafs and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! 


Mar. 2, 2011S # 3
Juggling - A Sport?Take My Ass to Jail! 

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia / West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. 
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. 
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. 
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. 
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.' 



Apr. 6, 2011S # 4
It took time!!!!!

A little known fact...
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874. 

The first helmet was used in 1934.  
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

I do not have that many funny things about sports. Maybe it is not allowed to JOKE about such a thing! So, as I have indicated, since I am winging it in this whole project, 'Sports Stuff' will be once a .....?
It's Feb. 6 today and I am now way ahead because of my decision above. Cool eh!!
May 4, 2011S # 5
Lifeguard etiquette

June 1, 2011S # 6
One day a man decided to retire...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. 
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. 
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse.
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. 
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" 
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing 
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a GolfCourse ?"  


July 6, 2011S # 7
A relaxing day of fishing

(See video below)

Sept 7, 2011S # 9
More Fishing!!!!!

 Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. 

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. 

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. 

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years." 

Aug 3, 2011S # 8
The great husband / friend - not!!!

(See video below)

Oct. 5, 2011S # 10
Patient Will Live 

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty." The doctor then began listing orders: 

"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. 

"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. 

"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well." 

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reveiwing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport." 

Nov. 2, 2011S # 11
Yes, gambling is a sport

Two bored casino  dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from  Alabama   arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand  dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I  hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play  topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the  dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new  clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down...  and squealed... "YES!YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of  the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly  departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.  Finally,  one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I  don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral  ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are  dumb.
But, most men...are men!


Dec. 7, 2011S # 12
What a great guy!!!
(play video below)