The Battle of the Sexes

(and it can be a battle)

This page has just been added as a category (see FUN page) and will be dedicated to the interaction between COUPLES.

July 6, 2011BS # 1

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend2. a companion3. a lover4. a brother5. a father 6. a master

7. a chef8. an electrician9. a carpenter10. a plumber 11. a mechanic

12. a decorator13. a stylist14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator18. a psychiatrist19. a healer20. a good listener21. an organizer

22. a good father23. very clean24. sympathetic25. athletic 26. warm27. attentive

28. gallant29. intelligent30. funny31. creative32. tender33. strong34. understanding

35. tolerant 36. prudent37. ambitious38. capable39. courageous 40. determined

41. true42. dependable43. passionate44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly46. love shopping47. be honest48. be very rich

49. not stress her out50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:* birthdays* anniversaries* arrangements she makes

How to make a man happy

1. Show up naked 2. Bring alcohol

July 13, 2011BS # 2

Why I Am now Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. 

As it turned out,  he barely said good morning,  let alone ' Happy Birthday.' 

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,  but the kids.... they will remember.. 

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.. 

So when I left for the office,  I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. 

As I walked into my office,  my handsome Boss Rick, said, 

'Good Morning, lady,  and by the way Happy Birthday! ' 

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,  what do you say we go out to lunch,  just you and me..' 

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,  that's the greatest thing  I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.  But we didn't go where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. 

We had two martinis each  and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. 

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know,  it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,  Do We?' 

I responded, 'I guess not.  What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' 

After arriving at his house,  Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind,  I'm going to step into the bedroom  for just a moment. 

I'll be right back.' 

'Ok.' I nervously replied. 

He went into the bedroom and,  after a couple of minutes,  he came out  carrying a huge birthday cake ... 

Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends  and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. 

And I just sat there....

On the couch..... 

Naked.

July 20, 2011BS # 3

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable

her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that.... Never mind.

July 27, 2011BS # 4

Women' view of statistics

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard (Cup) was used in baseball in 1874.

The first helmet was used in 1934.

It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Aug. 3, 2011BS # 5

Couselling from Minnesota

Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, drinking beer when Sven says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

Ole spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over... ........women like that are hard to find.'

Aug. 10, 2011BS # 6

The Robot

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

 

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.  

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually 'a lie detector'.  

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.  Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been and why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

  'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.  

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.  The robot went around to Tommy

and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.  We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.  'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' 

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!  You can't be too mad with Tommy. 

After all, he is your son!'

 

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Aug. 17, 2011BS # 7

Dear Diary

How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened when she brings it

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Aug. 24, 2011BS # 8

Mild-Mannered Man

A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which he read on the way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he told her, "From now on I'm the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table.

"Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath.

"When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker," she replied.

Aug. 31, 2011BS # 9

Morning Sex (It's not bad)

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt  that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Click here to add text.

Sept. 7, 2011BS # 10

A short bedtime story

Sept. 21, 2011BS # 12

The Cabby as a witness

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a 

witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

he husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

  The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

Sept. 14, 2011BS # 11

The Happy Groom

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

Sept. 28, 2011BS # 13

The Remote Control

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

Oct. 5, 2011BS # 14

Amazing Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Oct. 12, 2011BS # 15

Marriage quotes

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft

music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it. 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Pass this on to all 'the guys' to give them a good laugh......

and to those ladies with a sense of humour who can handle it! THE END

Oct. 19, 2011BS # 16

Three Men on a Hike*

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ' God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river '

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ' God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river '

Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

' If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!*

Oct. 26, 2011BS # 17

Good but bad advice - sadly it probably works

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper and threatening manner.  The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around." 

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to sleep." 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does bugger all...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

Nov. 2, 2011BS # 18

The 3 Bears

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table..

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For heaven's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE -------- (insert what you want to the left) PORRIDGE YET!‼

Nov. 9, 2011BS # 19

Picking Lemons

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Nov. 16, 2011BS # 20

Men are like fine wine...

They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

The Last Word from Women

Nov. 23, 2011BS # 21

Poker at it's best

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Doug accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Kim wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Doug upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Doug went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Doug admitted that, well indeed he did.. She  said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Doug confirms that he is interested. Kim told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Doug didn't, Doug should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Doug showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Kim the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Doug quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Doug come by the house this afternoon?

With a lump in her throat Kim answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Kim, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

Nov. 30, 2011BS # 22

Burgular lessons needed - Breaking In

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Dec. 7, 2011BS # 23

What went wrong???

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?A. Who cares?

Dec. 14, 2011BS # 24

I finally got the book that will help you understand women better. Let me know if you need a copy!

Dec. 21, 2011BS # 25

The Teeth

A preacher had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded, “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't shut up!”

Dec. 28, 2011BS # 26

Good - bye Daddy

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."