ethnic2

When I pass on the multitude of jokes that circulate which have NO chance of NOT making somebody mad or NOT offending 100'S to 1000'S of people, I wonder - Weird eh? ('eh' is canadian for ? - something I have never figured out but we all say it). I wonder why people even risk telling ethnic jokes.

This is the ETHNIC page which will be categorized as much as possible even though some joke writers choose to attack / make fun of / elaborate on the ethnic differences of many groups at once. I will try and cross reference / duplicate under each group's category.

By the way, I have created a few more ETHNIC groups that are not widely recognized 'in the real world' but they will be 'in Barry's world'. I had to, so that I could categorize them plus it was FUN.

They are as follows (so far) :

Blonds

Canadians

Rednecks

Lawyers

Ethnic # 2

Blonds

July 6, 2011

E # 28

Blond Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Lawyers

July 13, 2011

E # 29

Good answer!!!

This policeman was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Irish

July 20, 2011

E # 30

The drinkers

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .' The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra. And what street did you l ive on in Dublin ? The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St.. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

July 27, 2011

E # 31

Newfie Password

The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie O'Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:

MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa

When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid?

I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital

IRISH

Aug. 3, 2011

E # 32

The Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church..

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side"

CANADIAN

Aug. 10, 2011

E # 33

Service in society

I became very confused when I hear the word "service" used with these agencies:

Revenue Canada 'Service'

Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

City, Provincial & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows. BAM! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

By the way, this pretty well applies in any country!!!!!!!

LAWYER

Aug. 17, 2011

E # 34

London lawyer vs. Glascow cop

A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"

NEWFIE

Aug. 24, 2011

E # 35

Burial at sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

REDNECK

Aug. 31, 2011

E # 36

Learn to spell

(at least your street)

LAWYERS

Sept. 7, 2011

E # 37

Learn from your elders

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

MEXICAN

Sept. 14, 2011

E # 38

Juan the Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

"Bicycles," Juan says.

EAST INDIAN

Sept. 21, 2011

E # 39

Speeding

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."

BLONDS

Sept. 28, 2011

E # 40

Good thinking

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and I'm goes downstairs. The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it! *

This page will simply be a continuation for the second half of 2011 of ' Ethnic '

IRISH

Oct. 5, 2011

E # 41

Sven's Divorce

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

NEWFIE

Oct. 12, 2011

E # 42

It's simple!!!

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had he’d already reached $500,000.

'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but, for 1 Million dollars, you've only one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Robin

b) Sparrow

c) Cuckoo

d) Thrush

'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick. 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone, my friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances, and repeated the question to him.

'F----- Eh, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a Cuckoo.'

'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.

'I'm f----- sure' replied Paddy.

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo, as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked the host.

'Dat it is Sir.'

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.'Tell me, Paddy how in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?I mean, you knows f--- -all about birds..'

'Fer f---s sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jaezuz, everybody knows a f----ing cuckoo lives in a clock!'

REDNECK

Oct. 19, 2011

E # 43

Let's say - A fishing tale

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in Tennessee!

BLONDS

Oct. 26, 2011

E # 44

At least she cares

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their

arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

LAWYERS

Nov. 2, 2011

E # 45

Legal Questions

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?

3. Do you have anything you can sell?

I think this profession needs to work on it's image. These jokes are just mean - do they really deserve it????

CANADIANS

Nov. 9, 2011

E # 46

So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?

1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington .. We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars)

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. (That's more information than I need!)

19.. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.

(I do not get that one)

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

(Well most of the time!!!!!!!)

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year..

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

(I never did BTW)

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidently...so does our beer}

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

BLONDS

Nov.16, 2011

E # 47

The swimmer

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, th e blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

LAWYERS

Nov. 23, 2011

E # 48

45 or 82?

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel, and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.

I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

BLONDS

Nov. 30, 2011

E # 49

At least she listened

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

LAWYERS

Dec. 7, 2011

E # 50

A Penthouse in Heaven

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

REDNECK

Dec. 14, 2011

E # 51

COLLECTION #1

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

IRISH

Dec. 21, 2011

E # 52

Scuba lesson.

A tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the -------- ' boat!”

REDNECK

Dec. 28, 2011

E # 53

COLLECTION #2

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink", and the clerk replies ......"Go ahead."