ethnic

I WILL TRY NOT TO MISS ANYBODY!

When I pass on the multitude of jokes that circulate which have NO chance of NOT making somebody mad or NOT offending 100'S to 1000'S of people, I wonder - Weird eh? ('eh' is canadian for ? - something I have never figured out but we all say it). I wonder why people even risk telling ethnic jokes.

This is the ETHNIC page which will be categorized as much as possible even though some joke writers choose to attack / make fun of / elaborate on the ethnic differences of many groups at once. I will try and cross reference / duplicate under each group's category.

By the way, I have created a few more ETHNIC groups that are not widely recognized 'in the real world' but they will be 'in Barry's world'. I had to, so that I could categorize them plus it was FUN.

They are as follows (so far) :

Blonds

Canadians

Rednecks

Lawyers

IRISH

Jan. 1, 2011 E # 1

A Miracle

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

BLONDS

Jan 5, 2011

E # 2

WINTER BLOND

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the

SALT TRUCK!"

CANADIANS

Jan 12, 2011

E # 3

Canadian Scientists

Disclaimer. This may not be a true story. If you are offended then substitute the name for any country you wish where it says HERE below.

Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at

the windshields of Airlines and military jets, all traveling at maximum

velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with

airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. NASA engineers heard

about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high

speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of

the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,

blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and

embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a

bow. The horrified Americans (HERE) sent the Canadian Research Facility the disastrous results of the

experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions

The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo."Defrost the chicken".

LAWYERS

Jan 19, 2011

E # 4

Nice move jury!

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of!!!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

Please note: Jokes will be added weekly on this page. I am adding them to the page in a way that you can easily access to print, copy, etc. if you wish (JUST click / highlight / print the JOKE). They will be dated, titled and they will be numbered for easy reference.

REDNECKS

Jan 26, 2011

E # 5

Amazing dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s. . t.

IRISH

Feb. 2, 2011

E # 6

Words from the pilot

Only the Irish could find humour in this situation!!!

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from� London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ..... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jezis you should see the back of mine!'

BLONDES

Feb. 9, 2011

E # 7

1. Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail, pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

2. Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

3. A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'

4. A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold..'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things

Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

5. A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the Day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

CANADIANS

Feb. 16, 2011

E # 8

Happy Canada Day

SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?

1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch

3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down

4. Baseball is Canadian

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers butt

10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts butt

11. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered o Germany.

12. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere, EVER.

13. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over a half hour.

14. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but

showed up just in time to get caught.

15. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.

16. We don't marry our kin-folk.

17. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

18. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

19. A Canadian invented Superman.

20. We have coloured money.

21. Our beer advertisments kick butt

22. Coffee Crisp

23. We don't bomb our allies

24. Our elections only take one day

25. We invented zambonis

BUT MOST IMPORTANT:

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. I AM CANADIAN!!!

LAWYERS

Feb. 23, 2011

E # 9

Grandma in court

IRISH

Mar. 2, 2011

E # 10

Walk on water

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Seamus took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Seamus just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

“Grandma,” he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya fookin' dipshit!”

BLONDES

Mar. 9, 2011

E # 11

The crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

ITALIANS

Mar. 16, 2011

E # 12

The Italian clock

BLONDES

Mar. 23, 2011

E # 13

Blond wins

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind.

But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was

complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last

year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

ITALIANS

Mar. 30, 2011

E # 14

A son's love

The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie

POLISH

Apr. 6, 2011

E # 15

Polish divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,

and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~

JEWISH

Apr.13, 2011

E # 16

The Desert and The Brother

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $10."

The Taliban shouted,"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced fricken tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said...

....."Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

REDNECKS

Apr.20, 2011

E # 17

Texas preacher

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she

said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you." So she said,

"come right on in."

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a

shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw

her caller, she threw up her hands, which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.

"Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said.........."Hello, Darlin!!"

CHINESE

Apr.27, 2011

E # 18

Thanks boss!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I sick, headache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great, be work soon..... You have nice house."

May 25, 2011

E # 22

The Border - again but different ones

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't even know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French, too, wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

NEWFIE

May 11, 2011

E # 20

Jack the Newfie

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked

to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said:

"You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Jack's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.

May 4, 2011

E # 19

Indian wants coffee

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to

the waiter "Want coffee"

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress (or maybe Canadian)

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

May 18, 2011

E # 21

The Border

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE CANADIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

* A JOB,

* A DRIVERS LICENSE,

* SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,

* WELFARE,

* FOOD STAMPS,

* CREDIT CARDS,

* SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,

* FREE EDUCATION,

* FREE HEALTH CARE,

* BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE

* THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.

As I said at the top of the page, "I'll try not to miss anyone"

- so for those nationalities I missed, try # 21 and # 22 below!!!!

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

(But I hope it does not - we are trying only for humour here, remember!!!!!

June 1, 2011

E # 23

An angry Rabbi

A Jewish congregation in suburban Boston honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you.

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

June 8, 2011

E # 24

Ole fills in

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!

June 15, 2011

E # 25

Newfie burial at sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy.

'Hand me da shovel.'

June 22, 2011

E # 26

Italian heros???

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be ca lled in because the situation became desperate.. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret

recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their

own lives Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief,"de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat ________ truck!!"

June 29, 2011

E # 27

Ole appears again

It may take a minute to get this but be patient !!!!

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, Ole performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Ole', says Sven.

'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.